This is How it Is

My cousin passed away three weeks ago.

God. I keep saying that, even though I don't mean to. Passed. What a ridiculous phrase. Passed on what? Life? Like she just woke up that morning and said, "You know what? I think I'll pass on living today. Maybe tomorrow." Fucking ridiculous. All the euphemisms for death are. The only one I like is "kicked the bucket." It sounds feisty. It sounds like a person who didn't go quietly, who wanted to stay. Someone who had other ideas and plans, things to do besides dying and didn't really appreciate being taken from those things. That sounds a lot like her. She was feisty, too.

She was an amazing person. And that's not just one of those things where everyone starts saying nice things about a person once they've died, like it's more respectful to lie about who that person was. This isn't respectful lies. She was just an amazing person. She had values and morals, and she stuck to them. She knew what she wanted out of life, what she wanted to do, who she wanted to be, and she worked towards that. You couldn't pressure her into anything. She stuck to her guns. She was friends with everybody. Just about anyone you talk to would say, "She was my best friend." She had that teenage girl I-know-everything attitude that could drive you crazy, but she was usually right. She was outside beautiful, too, always smiling and laughing. She was destined for great things.

At least, that's what we all thought. Now no one knows what to think. In so many ways, I'm so sick of thinking, and yet I can't stop myself. I can't stop myself from remembering who she was, how she was, thinking of the last time I saw her, and wondering what her death was like.

Was she scared? She must have been, but for some reason I don't think she was. Maybe that's only my mind trying to comfort me, I don't know. But I don't think she was scared. I think she understood. I think she understood the purpose in that moment, that she could see the whole plan and accept it for what it was. I think the instant before her truck slammed into that tree, when she was airborne, flying, she had the answers that we all long for. She saw how complete her life was. She saw what we are left imagining, hoping, unable to understand.

This is what I believe. This is what I have to believe. I might go crazy if I didn't.